In Writers’ Workshop we practised writing sizzling starts. Using this Antarctica photo prompt, we tried using dialogue to start our story. Below are are three examples from our writing.
In your comment can you give one of the writers some feedback? Tell them what you liked about their writing, and maybe suggest how they could improve their work.
24 thoughts on “ANTARCTICA WRITING”
chelsea i really liked your sizziling start story because you had really great dialogue not like once upon a time there were some pengiuns that lived on antartica and there was a horible captain that was going to kill the penguins. probably you could improve by having more people speak and the captain could say something.
Zoey, you have given Chelsea some great positive feedback and some practical suggestions. Thanks!
Maybe Chelsea can improve how she circled the text. Maybe the pictures because she drawed a knight with a sword and the sword was touching the text so I was thinking that the night was speaking.
I enjoyed your Antarctica writing but would’ve enjoyed it more if you added some action & descriptive words. For example you could add these word’s
Maybe the penguin could have stolen the fish
Great suggestion Tom: ‘yelled’. Thanks for helping Josh think about improving his writing.
Chelsea. I like your dialogue you have used here’s a tip on how to improve your writing. Only the penguins are speaking so if the captain said something then your writing will be more interesting . Joshua your the same your dialogue is great but only one person is speaking if the captain or the penguins said something then the reader will not stop reading. Rianna I like the I carnt believe the captain wants to kill the penguins just for gold but get rid of the sentence anyway the penguins live on the east side not the west because it is wrong penguins live on the south I realy like it was the soud of waves only animals could hear
Wow Emily, some great suggestions here which show that you have paid close attention to the detail in the writing. I particularly like how you suggest to add some dialogue from the penguins. Maybe Rianna could explain later about the ‘east side/west side’ to help the reader?
Joshua, I really liked your story. Maybe when the penguin turned to speak, instead of using “said” you could have used “whispered” .
I really like your suggestion Kanin. ‘Whispered’ would add to the mysterious feel of the writing.
I like yours Josh
Because you put lots of detail and it makes
Me want to read more but my favourite
Part was when the guard moved for lunch and it was
The right time to move to get the fish because I think that the
Penguins want to eat their lunch and I think he wants to eat fish for lunch
Marcus, you have made me think more about how clever Josh has been in his writing. The ‘lunch’ link is a good one.
I really like in your sizzling start how you put it was lunch time. it really made me laugh. I like how the penguin crept to the crate to get the food. I thought it was better then saying it went to the crate
Yes Asha. ‘Crept’ was my favourite word used by Josh as well. You gave excellent feedback to the writer.
I chose your story because I like the part when they say “Why do they want to get us?”. Perhaps you could make the penguin scratch his head and say “I don’t know” to show he is very confused.
Wow Ethan. The ‘scratched his head’ bit is an excellent use of show-don’t-tell. You are doing what good writers do – Think!.
Thanks Thomas for that comment. I will add more exciting description and make it more action packed next time.
Josh I really liked your sizzling start because you had great dialogue. Because you don’t say once a pon a time you said one of the guards so you didn’t put spider webs on the class😊
Hi Rianna. The first sentence is awesome. It makes me want to read more and find out what happens. Maybe you could say who is talking. From Evan.
I liked Chelsea’s idea because she started her first sentence with a question. I think you can make it more interesting by adding some more dialogue from another penguin.
That’s a great way to start a story, with a question. I also like your suggestion about adding some more dialogue form another penguin.
Chelsea, I really like how you used great dialogue. And I think you could make it better by using the word “asked” instead of “said” because the penguins were asking a question.
Yes, I agree Hannah. Chelsea has used dialogue very effectively. I like how you noticed about the word ‘asked’.
I liked yours Chelsea and you have used punctuation when people are speaking.
I liked your illustration.
Yes I agree, Austin. I think the punctuation really helps the reader. It was an excellent illustration too!